


Casey Tatum: The World's Most Powerful Witch

by fartschool69



Category: Ally McBeal (TV), Baby's Day Out - Fandom, Flushed Away (2006), Franz Ferdinand (Band), Josh Groban (Musician), Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! - Fandom, Weird Al Yankovic (Musician)
Genre: Bondage kink, M/M, Slime Fetish, Slug Fetish, Witch AU, i literally forgot i wrote this lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-04-14 19:00:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14142492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fartschool69/pseuds/fartschool69
Summary: Casey Tatum has it all: power, fame, slugs, fortune, his brother, a private room where he eats his cheese in peace; everything. But what happens when another powerful undead dictator tries to stop him? Answer: madness.





	1. Something Brewing

Something was brewing in the Tatum household. This was not an unusual occurrence, however. There was seldom a day when the caldron that Casey kept in his basement wasn’t filling up with smoke, boiling over from the intense spells he constantly cast. Today, Casey was crouched over, face dirty with the herbs boiling in the caldron. This was it. This was the spell. This was to be one of his best spells yet. _Groban_....

His brother entered the room, face contorted from the dark, dank smoke of Casey’s caldron. He stumbled down the stairs, curious and afraid of Casey’s doings. The few times he had come down into the dank, smelly basement after he raised Casey back from the dead that faithless night, Casey yelled until both their mouths were sore.

Out of the corner of his eye, Casey saw the tall, imposing, bigfooted, wet, oafish, yet loveable and sometimes even tasty figure of his brother. “Brotherwhatareyoudoinggetout!!!!!!!!!!!!” Casey said softly, like a butterfly.

His brother sighed. He knew it was an uphill battle, but sometimes you just have to break both of your brother’s knees.

“It’s time.” He boomed. He was dressed up as a sewer slug from the film Flushed Away (2006, dir. Sam Fell, David Powers, and Henry F. Anderson).

Casey snarled, showing his newly grown extra layer of teeth. “Ihavetodoforgrobanpeppep!!!!” His voice was shriller, but still as gentle as usual. His brother wondered exactly how much helium he’d inhaled today, shaking his head. He remembered the helium intervention policeman’s number he had saved in his phone as he gripped his rat fur tightly around it.

“It’s time,” he repeated. Casey shrieked, then cackled, then shrieked, then sighed, then shrieked again until his brother had to shut him up with his own shrieking. Casey gasped an exhausted and horse breath. “Justlemmefinishbrotherthisspellthankyou.”

His brother sighed, and returned upstairs. He sat on the base of his pep-pep’s urn, hunched over. Staring at the crumb, lube, and possum hair covered floorboards, he wept.

The last few steps of the spell were simple enough– some blood, some cat piss (he had enough, he snickered) and an incredibly rare copy of the VHS of Baby’s Day Out (1994, dir. Patrick Reed Johnson) signed by the baby themselves. He ran his finger over the side, then the back, where the inscription read “To Scarlett, you make my life worth living, and loving- The Baby from Baby’s Day Out (1994) dir. Patrick Reed Johnson”. He knew the eBay seller priced it too high, but it made such a pretty flame being thrown into the firey caldron.

Finally, he whispered. They’ll all see.


	2. Preparation

The daylight, falling at an angle through the driver’s window, felt harsh against Casey’s sensitive skin. In the backseat of the van he and his brother took to the studio he tried to look around for SPF 69, but found it to be lost. His brother cowered in the corner, sucking on his right thumb. He made his thumbs touch, then switched to his left.

“Fools!” Casey belted, which startled his brother and the van driver, making him jolt the van forward. The jolt nearly knocked over the cool caldron in the backseat with them.

His brother stared, wide, giant, honeyed, unnerving, tall, windy, supple, portable, and somehow bony lips parted in grief. He cowered tighter in his corner, fearful of the juicy goo of the caldron spilling on his newly pressed costume.

Casey did not pay his brother any mind. He was driven by something fiercer, more animal. His hands and peepee started to shake in anticipation. Soon, they will know, he thought. Soon they will feel it. He clutched his caldron, feeling the raw power of the spell he had just crafted. He sniffed it. The sweet juices of what he was cooking wafted into his boy nostrils. Yes.

They had awoken as the chloroform wore off, which meant they were almost there. Casey’s brother startled to shuffle around like a horse being goaded with a small burning feather on all fours, but Casey screamed and he was quickly subdued. The van doors slid open, Casey springing out with his caldron hoisted above his head, darting for the entrance.

His brother stumbled out, head hanging. He couldn’t keep up with Casey. He never could. He assumed his position as a rat on all fours, and scampered in.


	3. A Lover's Embrace

Josh Groban stood in the wings, listless recording a DVD commentary for his feature as Malcolm Wyatt in _Ally McBeal_ “The Wedding” (2001, dir Billy D’Elia). Suddenly hands grasped over his eyes.

A squeal––“Guesswho!”

Groban laughed, and turned around to see his one true love, Casey. He wrapped his arms around him and pecked him on his cheek, getting some slime on his pink lips. “Tatie,” Groban whispered.

Casey giggled, and playfully grabbed Groban’s butt. He yelped, and whispered “We’re in public!” right in Casey’s little mouth.

“Iknowmywiddlegrobbyjoshukuniwantpeopletoseehowmuchiloveyouthankyoupepepepepepepepe”

Groban smiled, and rested his head in Casey’s shoulder, which made both of their peepees tingle. This was bliss. Yet out of the corner of his eyes, a figure darted in shadows––

 _Ferdinand_ , Casey thought.

And speaking of the mean man who lives underneath the 2nd street 7-11, he appeared. The one man and the little boy who was Casey let go of each other instantly upon seeing Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria sauntering smiling. “Casey,” he crooned ominously and without blinking. “You’re on in five.”

Casey looked down, even though his eyes were blood red from anger. He even started to sweat, which Groban noticed because his mouth watered furiously (he did love sweet sweaty sweat.) Ferdinand noticed too, and banged his cane forcefully upon the ground. “What did I just saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyaayyy!!!!” he bellowed.

“Sorrypeppep,” Casey replied. “I’llbeonstagewithmybrotherjustgivehimratfoodtobeincharacteralsoimgonnamakeacurseonyoutodaypweasedon’thurtmeijustthinksometimesyourrelationshipwithgrobanisunnessacerilysexuallikeiknowyouremadathimbecauseyouthinkhespartofthebandfranzferdinandwhichyouhatealotbuthesreallynotdontkissmyboyfriendthankyou”

“Whatever,” Ferdinand snarled. He went over to Joshua, knocking his cane on his Jordans. “Your band get any gigs lately?”

“I’ve told you before, I’m not part of the band Franz Ferdi-“

“OF COURSE NOT!” He exclaimed. “Because that band is horrible! And not because they share my namesake. Because their songs and repetitive and not catchy at all. They’re almost as bad as the Fratellis, the ultimate stain on the mid 2000s indie scene. God, I was revived from the dead as a consequence of the same spell that revived Casey to listen to that crap? And not even see LCD Soundsystem in concert? Bullshit. Now,” Franz tipped his nose up. “I expect to see your brother on the stage of the television studio I own during Uncle Muscles Music Hour. Don’t. Be. A party pooper.”

Archduke Franz Ferdinand skipped away, tapping his cane on Groban’s butt playfully. Groban winced in a pleasurable pain, then went and put his hand on Casey’s shoulder, who was frothing with rage at this point. “It’s okay, Casey. The guy’s a jerk.”

“HE’LL SEE!!!!!!!!” Casey shouted, causing a light fixture to fall. “THEY’LL ALL SEE!!!!”

“Shhhhhhh, my sweet sweaty Casey. Go into your dressing room and get ready for the show, yeah?”

Casey looked into the eyes of his lover and softened. “Yourerightjoshukungrobyi’llgogetreadyilovesomuchthankyoufortrying!!!” he whispered, then turned around and sulked off to his dressing room. _I’ll get ready for murder_ , he thought.


	4. Commupanc

The lights came up before Uncle Muscles was released from the chains Archduke Franz Ferdinand kept him in and came onto stage. He wringed the red marks around his wrist, then announced “And now, get ready for ‘The Slug Song’ from our eternal lord and savior Casey Tatum and his brother.”

The spotlight panned over to Casey, who flinched from the aggressive brightness. His brother rolled his body up and down, much like a slug, while a slideshow of the slugs from _Flushed Away_ (2006, dir. Sam Fell, David Powers, and Henry F. Anderson) projected on the green screen in the background. Casey breathed into the microphone and crooned.

_Slugs, slugs, slugs,_

_What do they eat?_

_Slugs, slugs, slugs_

_Will they be my friend?_

_Slugs, slugs, slugs,_

_Did they eat my mom?_

As the instrumental played and his brother danced his wild, sensual, beguiling, hot, orange, fellatiated, sticky, 1000-thread counted, felt, forgotten, usurping, and yet altogether gregarious dance, Casey glanced up into the rafter. The caldron was set right where it needed to be. The plan was falling into place like a well-oiled baby bird coming right out of its mommy’s tum-tum.

_Slugs, slugs, slugs,_

_How many legs do they have?_

_Slugs, slugs, slugs,_

_Watch out! There’s a bung right there_

_Slugs, slugs, slugs,_

_Is that one my dad?_

His brother danced another dance, tears seeping somewhat through the costume from the impactful and necessary art he was making, when Casey let his head wander over to the offstage. There he saw a sight that could never be forgottton– his sexual lover, Josh Groban, lippy-locked with Archduke Franz Ferdinand, president of Austria. 

“SKREEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!” bellowed Casey, interrupting his brother’s dance. Groban and Ferdinand turned around immediately, shamful of their sin. “Re-re-rebecca, it’s not what you think–“

“I won’t hestitate, bitch! Howcoulduuuuuuuuuuuu!!!” sobbed Casey. “Tothinkiwasgonnaturnintoabiggiantwetspongysluggyforyouandeatmr.ferdinand!”

“You were gonna what? Babe, you know how much I _love_ slugs, but eating Franzie–“ 

“SKRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” bellowed Casey again, “Franzie?!?!?!?!? Howcouldyouuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!”

“Face it, Casey” Franz sneered. “It’s all over now. I’ve got your sexual lover who since finding out was not in the band of my namesake Franz Ferdinand I have been passionate about, I’ve got your career, and every slug that you’ve ever looked at in my possession. There’s no way you can win against me, unless you’re assassin Gavrilo Princip, who shot me with a handgun in 1914, setting off a chain of events which caused the First World War. Nothing can stop me now!”

Casey shrieked again. “Youthinkidon’thavethegoo? I HAVE THE GOO!” In his anger, pulled the cord which released the goo that would turn him into a big fat slug from the ceiling. But before the goo could hit him, it deflected onto Franz Ferdinand, who turned into a big, fat, giant, slimy, gooey slug.

 Josh Groban’s mouth could not stop watering, creating a pile of spit on the groung. “The goo!” he exclaimed, and feasted his hungry eyes upon Franz Ferdinand’s magnificent form. He started to lick him feverishly.

Casey despaired, and wondered why he thought of this plan in the first place. Suddenly, his brother flashed beside him on all fours and lunged at the Archduke Slug, killing him instantly with a gun he had hidden below his funfunsack. Groban ran away in fear, crying at the loss of the sweet goo and also his newfound lover’s death. Casey stood in awe, tears cascading down his soft, coated face. 

“B-b-brother.......” he said. “Whydidyoudothisforme?” 

“Rats hate slugs,” said his brother. “Haven’t you even seen the movie _Flushed Away_ (2006, dir. Sam Fell, David Powers, and Henry F. Anderson)?”

 Casey’s face filled up with tears, and he ran over and hugged his brother, happy to be a witch at last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i kno i said his brother was a slug in the first chapter but PEOPLE CHANGE


End file.
